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Remember that the relationship with your PAL simply will not work
the same way as most of the other relationships in your life. Unless
you look for new ways of understanding, it may be challenging. Some
examples from our experience:
A newer PAL, after a handful of visits,
says he has trouble gauging whether his time is meaningful to his
PAL. The child is lower-functioning, shows little emotion,
and doesn’t initiate conversations yet. The Big PAL, desperate
for signs, is worried that he isn’t making a difference. Volunteers
must realize that many residents’ lack of trust and reluctance
to let down "walls" won’t go away until the Big
PAL demonstrates commitment and consistency. And sometimes, Allendale
staff can be a better source of information than the children. In
this case, they noticed that the boy had chosen to play basketball
with his Big PAL, instead of eating dinner with his peers. It was
a powerful—but subtle—sign that the relationship did
indeed matter.
Volunteers may misread the signs they
do receive from their PALs. If the child is not engaged in
an activity, the fault probably lies with the activity and not the
relationship. Big PALs must be willing to change activities and
be flexible.
PALs, hungry for affection and eager
to leave residential treatment, may challenge their Big PALs by
attaching too quickly, without boundaries or reserve. One
PAL, after two visits, was ready for her Big PAL to become her foster
mother. Her Big PAL talked to Allendale staff about ways to slow
things down, such as by keeping the visits on campus longer than
was required.
Big PALs may feel they need to do
things that cost money, or buy gifts for all visits. Time
and one-on-one attention, not monetary tokens, are the true keys
to success. One child loves to run errands with her Big PAL—she
enjoys simply going to new places, being out in public, and experiencing
life off campus.
Big PALs may fear children’s
emotional and behavioral challenges, especially off campus.
In our experience, though, our residents—whether alone or
in a small group—behave quite well. Residents realize that
off-campus time is an earned privilege, and they rise to the expectations
and responsibilities of that privilege. That said, Big PALs may
expect social skills that simply aren’t consistent with a
resident’s age. Remember that a PAL’s emotional age
is often much younger than his or her chronological age, and adjust
expectations to this level.
Above all, remember that the
best things you can offer an Allendale child are patience, trust,
and consistency. Set limits—as you would with any child—and
commit to the relationship. You may just become one of the few adults
your PAL has ever trusted.
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